I feel like I’m missing that inner solitary peace and the only way to find it is to be somewhere by myself where I immerse myself in all the beauty of everything around me and perhaps learn that I’m a part of that natural beauty. I think I need to learn to love myself by myself in a place where I am myself. I just need a day to take care of myself and not have to worry about anyone else.
I feel like I’ve lost my footing and have thrown my life out of its usual routine. For once in my life, I’ve taken time off for myself. The trouble is, I feel like I’m trying to make up for the years that I didn’t focus on myself and now I’m taking too much time resulting in me shirking my responsibilities and duties towards other people. Yes, time for myself I guess is good, but the fact that I can’t live just for myself remains unchanged. I can’t forget that although I should be focusing on my own happiness, my role in life has never been about me. I am what I can be for others: a friend, a sister, a mother, a daughter, a worker, a confidant, a provider. While I should not forget that if I do not take time to take care of myself, I wont be able to take care of the ones I love, I must also remember that I don’t have the luxury of living as others do: for themselves. My ties to other people are both a blessing and a burden. While I live to make others happy, which does make me happy, I find myself being put in the position of constantly being expected to remain as selfless and giving as people know me to be. So unfortunately when I take time like I have been, I upset people because I put myself before others. It’s time that I find a balance. I can’t always be there for everyone, but I can’t live like no one else is there. In the end, who I am is who I have in my life. I am who you are, and through who I am, I affect you. I’m sorry for neglecting the both of us and I’m working on finding balance again.